Total exhaustion
Posted by: Fats in: Wika at HirapWhat a totally exhausting day. But the morning meeting went through wonderfully. Although I notice, as a result of my depression, that I am still extremely sensitive to irritation, extremely easy to get pushed down. Things started with contemporary / institutional art chit-chat (which I extremely dislike for various reasons) and thank God that Chris understood that I started to feel unwell and immediately initiated the meeting proper. However, if the chit-chat had continued, I would have let out expletives and left the room. The physical effects of the low swing was also extremely fast and clear: nausea and my vision was starting to dim.
But as soon as work started I felt so much better. The high feeling was just as quick as the low. It’s amazing the extremeties of the swing but of course also very painful. I have absolutely no control of these things occuring. Gemma was just wonderful. Chris told her to look after me, oh I told him she’s my life-saver, she’s just wonderful. Hopefully I’ll make it to the Friday morning workshop at Ateneo and will bring Gemma along too. She really enjoyed the meeting at NCCA, especially meeting Chris and Ronan. I suppose she’d enjoy the workshop at Ateneo as well. 
I guess it would be nice to go so I could also drop by AAG and see Richie.
One of the really nice things for the day was how well the digital art concept I proposed sat with Chris’ new job on knowledge management - nobody could’ve appreciated the concept as well as he did. Wonderful suggestion as to how the competition could also be redefined to fit the new festival concept. I really hope that everything works through! But I was really totally exhausted when I got home (the jeepney rides were just deadly!) that I missed my doctor’s appointment! 
September 15th, 2006 at 1:53 pm
Hi,
Have you thought that you might be Bi Polar?
Bi polar is a chemical imbalance and very hard to diagnose correctly being often misdiagnosed as, on the one hand, schitso-affective disorder and on the other as borderline personality disorder. The more depressive type often being diagnosed as clinical depression as often their hypo mania is not very obvious or frequent. There is a reasonably popular theory that cognitive behavioural therapy can effect the symptoms of bipolar in other words that talking can change the chemical reaction. However in my case, I have not found this to be so. If I’m going to be depressed then no amount of reasoning will get me out of it and similarly with the manic side.
Just a thought,
Duncan
September 15th, 2006 at 8:26 pm
Yes, I’ve thought about bi-polar, I even suggested it to my psychatrist (in a nice way). For now (nearly two months since my first treatment), we’re still looking at depression (which in my case is caused by specific very difficult life circumstances). I notice talking doesn’t really help me out of a depressive interval, so when I talk to people or my psychiatrist, nothing really changes (sometimes when I talk to people who “try to help” it just gets worse, which is why I like Gemma because she doesn’t try to do anything but is just around). But I think introspection helps me (and blogging too, which is a kind of “introspection”) because I enjoy articulating my awareness of what is happening inside me (like my powerful feelings at the meeting). So I guess - at least in my case - introspection (self-determination) has been the best help thus far. Learning about other people’s own introspection also helps - so thanks for sharing! (Which I guess is why a few people have also found my blog somewhat ‘therapeutic”).
PS. I also have a stuffed dog called Edward, which has been very helpful, again because he’s just there and looks funny without really trying.