Slipped into sadness
Posted by: Fats in: Fats, Vitamins & Minerals > Wika at Hirap > Katawan > Alwin's Blog
(Photo above) Alwin’s Airlines.
Typhoon Milenyo was raging outside when Alwin made this. There was no power, and it was getting dark that afternoon. I lifted the curtains so some light would go into my room, for Alwin. I told him, the eye of the storm must be on us now because there is a bit of sunlight and the wind is not as powerful.
Was Milenyo the disaster I dreamt of some time ago? Or was it this one…
Anger has slipped into sadness, as usual. Although sadness is less destructive to others and external things, it is more self-destructive. The negative emotions surge inwards until the self collapses.
Alwin has inspired me to pick up on an old research but I haven’t really taken the first real step towards it. It’s too hard this way - it is like being inside a prison and in your mind you can see the way out but when you open your eyes there is nothing but walls. So you try to go inwards again.
I tried to sleep again about an hour ago but it was impossible. If I don’t do something - like write - I keep thinking of cutting myself up or swallowing all my pills. I locked the door so my mom wouldn’t … Stupid thoughts. I’ve unlocked the door shortly. I made the mistake of leaving the TV on on a stupid program called Myx. An MTV type of program late in the evening - music, pop, rock, etc. Later I realized it was adding to the negative emotions. So I immediately turned it off.
I used to love the evenings because of the quiet, calm, coolness. But now I feel it’s taking too long, ages. There has been this low vibrating sound every night, I suspect a generator from the shop and coal storage place nearby. It’s quite uncomfortable but I’ve learned to sleep with it, sometimes turning the fan on to mask the sound, or having the TV on. But now the vibration feels like it is coming from inside my head. It stops sometimes and I feel this great relief. It is terrible living in the city.
There must be something to look forward to in the morning. Maybe the pots in the garden.
