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Posted by: Fats in: Fats, Vitamins & Minerals > Wika at HirapSo, I can imagine that she experiences my remarks as being very “negative” and damaging…. I suspect that this is made worse because this “negativity” resonates with damaging negative remarks made by others -and so she emotionally explodes -as part of a healthy defense mechanism. Unfortunately, she still cannot see that my reactions, which upset her so much, are probably fueled by similar mechanisms in myself.
I saw that, and that empathy that I afforded you is the reason why I wholeheartedly accepted you in the first place - no matter how many “clumsy” incidents or how much it hurt my family, I accepted you. What is eventually unbearable is how you never managed to move beyond your “healthy defense mechanism” thus rendering it as an excuse for hurting others. When will you learn to take responsibility for your “defense mechanisms”? How many “defense mechanisms” from you did it take to finally drive me to depression?
I am afraid that you are still incapable of creating and nurturing a safe space for even one person other than yourself. Not even for me. In that old email “loving people”, I have asked for that safe space. I’m afriad you never listened. You continually project your frustration and anger with the world upon every single space within and around you. Have you been able to care for or talk to small Maria, or is she gathering dust somewhere in a corner? In my experience with you, you don’t have the capacity for an unconditional love that could withhold that frustration and anger even for one small safe space, for one single person. You don’t have the capacity for an unconditional love that could suspend disbelief in a dangerous world for a moment of a child’s love for what is good in this world. These are matters beyond your known logics. For me it is spirituality, something that you call “religious language.”
I have always spoken in this “religious language” in personal and work terms. My (very crucial) research in 1998 and my thesis in 2002 were all written in this “religious language.” It was through this spirituality that my spirit could see through you, see your frustrations and pains as they are mine. But you don’t share this “religious language” or this spirituality in any form, in any of your worldviews, unfortunately. Being with you for many months, my body and spirit collapsed. It is not my “internal contraditions” that push me to “self-destructive mode.” It is you and your “defense mechanisms” that did it - the emotionally and spiritually empty space that you made for me. In any of your writing or anything you have said, I have not seen you take any responsibility for that.
I told my doctor that I know that you have a goodness within you that simply does not get externalized appropriately. Now the question is, if because of your age and experience you are truly unable to make the effort to change that, will I be able to bear it? As I start crying for days in a relationship, the answer is clearly “no, I cannot bear it.”
Unfortunately, these remarks can’t be checked because everything has been removed from the relevant web-site (in a Stalin like purge) and history has been once again been successfully re-written.
This blog is my personal space. It is my history. Have you ever considered your remarks in my website as a Stalinist invasion of my space? I know that you have been victimized by a cruel society in your life, as we all eventually are - but your defense mechanisms are healthy only for yourself: can you consider how it victimizes and invades others? Surely I made you very very happy. But you made life unbearable for me.
It is all up to you now, if you are unselfish enough to ask why you made life unbearable for me, and courageous enough to change.
October 30th, 2006 at 11:05 pm
Maria is here, next to the computer at the moment. She was in bed earlier. I took her with me to your doctor last time. She misses you too…
It was your translation of “computability” into a different language in the “espeys” lecture that was so exciting and encouraging. Underlying my work has always been a feeling that goes beyond logic -which is why I have talked of “mystici” and “symbolists”. Why I enjoyed the book on memory by Yates. The book on icons too. So what is the logic behind my love of plants -and the dynamic interactions that keep the universe alive? The european flower seeds failed to grow here too -but the mango, the citrus and other things (including perhaps tomato -but not the pepper) are growing in the drying space. The younger seedling cacti mostly died but a few older ones and your cuttings survive… Some new, mature cacti, are most impressive. My computer programmes attempt to celebrate the cosmic creative dance -and are inspired by the plants. It is the dead logic of Europe that I have fought against -not your language, which I still hope you will develop further -and from which I still wish to learn by participating in the dialogue.
It was the desire to improve communication and understanding -to create the safe space so the relationship could develop more positively -that lead us both (including myself) to search for someone to help us. It was the desire for understanding and change -that caused me to write to your doctor. Indeed, just living here alone and having contact with the local people has changed me already -hopefully back to the more sensitive and open person I was before the traumas of Holland.
Your fears are understandable -but it is my unconditional love that has made possible for me to accept the pain of your anger without love turning into hate. However, I accept that my frustrations over-ruled almost all else. These are much quieter now -although the panic attacks have not completely gone. My explanations were not intended as excuses -just attempts to open up the dialogue by exploring the possibility that apparent differences were caused by underlying similarities -which might make mutual understanding easier. I am also truly sorry for upsetting your family -I certainly had no wish or reason to do so.
So is there a way for us to finally destroy any remains of the frustrations and suspicions that drove us apart -to improve communication and trust (in a safe way), so it becomes easier for everybody involved to move towards healing and the development of the safe space we so desparately need?
Marie and I both trully hope so -especially with Edward now so clean and freshly laundered….
Of course I wish to listen, to understand and to change. Please let us now work together to create the space to do so.