Litany of emptiness
Posted by: Fats in: Wika at HirapStrange how being with my ex-partner drives me to emotional emptiness. I was happy for a while expressing and sharing my love for him, but an odd stagnation sets in after some time. His language of love is just so utterly lacking in sensuality.
This drives me to depression much faster than before. Now I feel like … I feel like I want to die. I feel like I am a total failure. I feel like I have just been abandoned. I feel like I am completely worthless. I feel like I have no self-respect for loving this person. I feel like all my intelligence has turned into a mental vacuum. I feel like a whore.
I wish I don’t need to wake up tomorrow. I wish this surreal world would just disappear. I wish I was someone else. I wish someone else more loving found me instead. I wish my father took me with him when he died. I wish I was dead.
So is this love? How can this be love?
January 13th, 2007 at 2:13 am
I really really got so worried after reading this post. I texted you but maybe you’re not on that number anymore. Please find some strength Fats, and I will also try to give you as much morale boost as I can. Sana may mahanap ka na kasiyahan at ligaya na di kelangan ng ganun kahigpit na sakripisyo.
January 14th, 2007 at 12:56 am
These depressive episodes are a cause of real worry, the amount of energy it takes to keep on without collapsing mentally and emotionally is enormous. I have difficulty breathing in this relationship but I am still alive. So one might ask, why keep on? Perhaps love (although I am not sure if this is really love) or simply because this relationship owes me (the physical and mental debilitation is beyond anything I’ve ever experienced). So I will claim that strength because I deserve better in life.