Fats, Vitamins and Minerals

Sa wakas, narito na ang aking talaarawang Pilipino, kung saan maghahalo ang balat sa tinalupan!

Bakit Goat4Sale?

Ang karatulang “goat4sale” ay mula sa alaala ng aking kabataan. Kung di ako nagkakamali, nag-diwang ng 42nd birthday ang aking tatay at ito ang pinakamalaking birthday celebration na ginanap sa aming tirahan sa Sampalok, Manila. Nung taong yaon, ako’y mga 6 o kaya 7 years old.

Naalala ko na merong isang brown na kambing sa aming bakod. Nung kinagabihan ay nawala yung kambing. Pagkatapos ay merong mga lalaki na dumating at nagsabit ng mga aso (at kasama na siguro dito yung kambing) mula sa kesame sa kusina.

Kinabukasan ng umaga (araw ng kaarawan ng tatay ko) ay merong malalaking kawali sa aming bakod kung saan niluluto na ang mga aso at yung kambing. Naalala ko na isang dakot ng siling labuyo ang ihinagis sa kawali. Mahilig kasi sa maanghang ang pamilya ng tatay ko, mga Bikolano kasi sila.

Duon ako unang kumain ng kambing at aso.

Makalipas ang ilang buwan, naalala ko ang pagkatuwa tuwing nakakakita ako ng mga karatulang “goat4sale” sa mga barong-barong sa EDSA. Sa likod ng karatulang ito ay ang isang bakod na yari sa kahoy at yero, at sa loob ng bakod ay ang mga cute na cute na mga kambing.

Nung lumipat kami ng tirahan sa QC mula Sampalok, ako ay mga 11 o 12 years old. Naalala ko na merong maputing kambing sa harap ng aming bahay. Kundi ako nagkakamali nung lumipat ang mga tiyahin ko sa aming bahay mula nung namatay ang aking lola ay nagkaron ulit ng kambing sa harap ng aming bahay. Nagpadagdag kasi sila ng second floor sa bahay at kinailangang mag-alay ng dugo ng kambing sa hagdanan.

Naalala ko rin ang pagkolekta ng mga sungay, ipin at panga ng kambing; binalak ko kasing gawing kwintas pero di na ito natupad.

Nuong ako ay nagtatrabaho na, laging espesyal kapag nagyaya ang aking mga kaibigan na kumain sa kambingan. Nuong nagpunta naman ako ng GenSan ay espesyal din nung kumain kami ng kambing sa CasaGoatan.

Ngayon dahil sa mga magagandang alaalang ito ay naisip kong tawaging Goat4Sale ang aking Pinoy blog. Sa katunayan, nangangarap din ako ngayon na magkaroon ng isang bakuran kung saan pwede akong makapag-alaga ng isa o dalawang kambing.

Samantala, napagalaman ko rin na ang Goat4Sale pala ay isang bastos na website. Pero hindi na ako nagalala dito kasi hindi naman papalitan ng Moro Islamic Liberation Front ang kanilang pangalan mula nang malaman nila na ang MILF pala ay may kahulugang bastos sa mga porn sites. Problema na ng mga porn sites yun at bago pa nagka-internet ay matagal nang nabuo ang MILF at matagal nang binebenta ang kambing sa Maynila.

Bakit Pinoy blog?

Dati ay binalak kong mag-set-up ng blog na Pilipino ang wika. Medyo nagawa ko ito sa Fats, Vitamins & Minerals pero 99.9% nung blog ay Ingles pa rin. Nung nakaraang buwan ay nag-email ako kay Heber Bartolome tungkol sa kanyang pagawit sa isang film viewing. Sumagot sya, sumagot ako ulit at nagkasagutan kami. Tagalog ang wika na aming ginamit at napaisip tuloy ako na merong mga bagay na di ko ma-ihayag sa Ingles (at meron din namang mga bagay na di ko ma-ihayag sa Tagalog). Gusto kong malaman kung ano-ano nga ba ang mga bagay na ito at bakit, at kung pwede bang i-hayag sa Ingles at vise-versa sa Tagalog ang mga ito.

Naisip ko rin na maganda na magsulat ako ng madalas sa Tagalog. Dahil British ang aking asawa ay mas madalas na puros Ingles ang aking salita. Puros Ingles din ang aking mga sinusulat dahil nasanay na ako rito gawa ng aking edukasyon.

Kanya eto - ang Goat4Sale ay isang hamon sa aking sarili.

Mabuhay ang kambingan!

It’s my dad’s birthday today. He would’ve been 69.

We went to my mom’s house and had pancit bihon. Very nice. I saw my mom soaking the bihon in water shortly before cooking. Hmmm. Unfortunately, Alwin was asleep the whole afternoon so we didn’t get to play with him. I left the turtle purse for my sister and told Asel to ask whether or not my sister would like to have a strap with it.

It was a nice simple day - and we got lots of stuff (as usual) from my mom. She likes to give food stuffs when we visit. It was good to see George again too. He sure was excited, climbing down from the fx as soon as he saw us coming. Fortun was lazier, he was asleep, had a quick look and just went back to sleep.

When we got home I got a phone call from Alwin who sounded like he just woke up! He saw the turtle and asked me to make one for him, in particular, a dragon bag. He described the dragon saying it had to be blue and had to have all these spikes across the back and tail. Hmmm.

Shortly afterwards, while I was talking to Al about some work, my sister called on the mobile and said she’d like the turtle with the strap. She was very happy about it and so was Alwin anticipating his dragon bag!

Well seems like I made lots of folks happy today with the crocheted turtle. Even Asel looked so happy when she saw it. So maybe I can make one for her too. I asked Alwin to ask my mom if she’d like one and I heard my mom in the background saying ‘wala!’ Hmmm.

I told Trevor how my mom’s family are like that, whining and complaining to show affection. Apparently, Bob’s father was like that too, complaining about all the fuss with bringing so much food while devouring it.

Anyway, here’s the bottom part of the crocheted bag I am trying to finish.

It is based on an illustration I saw of a “persian purse” in “Crochet Book, Seventh Series” by Mddle. Riego de la Branchardiere, London, 1850. (The public domain e-book may be found at the Antique Pattern Library).

Hopefully, I will be able to finish this bag soon. What I found interesting with the illustration  was the shape of the bag and the opening of the bag which was basically just a vertical slit across the middle of the bag. A very organic and very sensible form for a bag, I thought!

About a week ago I had a long email discussion with Heber, and after seeing his column on the Balita, thought about starting a Filipino language blog. It sounds hideously ridiculous that one even thinks of writing in his/her native language.

Balita is a very popular tabloid read by the Tagalog-based speaking population (there are a variety of other similar publications in the vernacular in the various parts of the Philippines). So it makes sense that writing is in Filipino. On the Internet, most of my correspondences are in English; very few of my Filipino friends communicate in Filipino (notably Heber, who also sometimes even writes in the poetry form, and a few ka-Bangga based in the US such as EdLab and Rod (who both write in very lyrical Filipino), and Neal, a friend from the old BBSs).

Basically, I can read Heber’s columns in Balita and emails written in Filipino with ease and pleasure, very much the same pleasure when I read the highly organized writings of JJ Gibson on perception. I wondered why this was so. I suspect that this has little to do with content but rather more with the form of the language (although the two are inter-related). So perhaps it is the clarity of the syntactic and semantic rules of the language that I find pleasurable. Or perhaps it is the apparent expressive, constructive and functional power of the language that pleases me.

I grew up in a Filipino speaking environment - family, work, friends. However, I was educated in an English speaking environment within a school-social environment that was mostly Filipino. Thus, there was often a large leap of translation and interpretation when we were required to speak English in the (Filipino) social context, and less so insofar as the recapitulation of things studied in school was concerned.

Thus, the greater the distance between the phonetic form output and the mental form processing, the more time and energy I have to coordinate proper grammar and diction in a foreign language such as English. So when I am speaking to Trevor, my English is mestizaje: a nearly instantaneous Filipino processing and English output. Here, with grammar and diction broken in various directions, I could easily be considered “illiterate” and “uneducated.” In this similar vein I find interest in Zialcita’s writing about the cultural mestizaje, and the distinctions between the authentic and the exotic. I think it might be possible to draw a parallel line with regards to language and learning.

For one, the cultural mestizaje might actually be a good method or process of learning and teaching, whereby “the sybolic subcodes drawn up by various human groups do not just co-exist, but faced with a new symbolic subcode, devours it and assimilates it” (as Zialcita describes, citing Bolivar Echeverria,”El ethos barroco”, Mexico). What I find quite interesting here is the possibility of learning and teaching as consisting of the tensions and oppositions articulated in the cultural mestizaje. It is “authentic” learning and teaching, and not “exotic.” By “exotic”, I mean a manner of teaching and learning that aspires to be “pure” (i.e. mere transfer of information from book to brain, no processing which can “tint” (make impure) the information).

Anyway, back to language, as I was ruminating on certain language domains that limit, restrict and inhibit creative thinking, my friend Eric wrote recently, “as more people develop immunity against branding hype, the ads increasingly “show their seams,” increasingly say “this is a strategy.” And you know what? The deconstruction works wonders. Consumers’ defenses go back down again, and they willingly fleece themselves. Very sophisticated.”

While I think that all linguistic systems have the capability to perform any computational task (without necessarily guaranteeing that such a task will be fast and efficient given factors from the environment and from the organism), I believe that there are language domains that restrict and limit computation (processing, critical and creative thinking) in humans. An example of such a language domain is advertising design. I told Eric an adage from Victor Papanek, “Advertising design, in persuading people to buy things they don’t need, with money they don’t have, in order to impress others who don’t care, is probably the phoniest field in existence today.”

Phony. What a funny word.

More on these later.

A UST graduate student, Koi, has just been at the apartment and had a long discussion with me and Trevor, quite an enjoyable time, really. Much of what we discussed also related to the problems of language and definitions. The relationship between internal and external was also of relevance, those two domains traversed by language in the articulation of concepts.

Well, another day.

It takes me ages it seems to write anything, post anything here. Apart from the daily house chores that get in the way of writing, we’ve been quite busy with fairly simple things that need doing - some socials (the visit to Tilman’s was really nice, and Edward had a nice time too playing with Alice!), getting Trevor’s health insurance sorted out, getting marriage papers sorted out (again!), jurying of over 50 video works (which turned out to be a very enjoyable experience) for an upcoming festival, and continuing my crochet work.

Whatever, I am enjoying the crochet work even more, since finishing a rose-decorated purse (using scrap yarn) based on a vintage pattern (see “Number 2713 Purse Pattern” at FreeVintageCrochet.com, pattern originally published by The Spool Cotton Company, Book No. 219, in 1945). Following the original pattern, I made a few changes with the seams, and used crocheted strips to form a hook and handle instead of a long ribbon drawn through rings around the bag. Below is a photo of the finished purse.

Afterwards, I thought of making a turtle purse for my sister (she collects turtle-motif objects). The turtle purse is a somewhat spontaneous piece of work (not based on any existing pattern) made up of eight parts (shell, bottom, head, legs, tail) which I crocheted separately and stitched together after decorating the shell and the head with beads. I am still thinking whether or not to make a handle for this purse - maybe I can just ask my sister. Below is a photo of the turtle purse.

While I was making the turtle purse, I was also making a bag (supposedly the bottom part of a two-piece Greek bag) using scrap yarn which I found here in the apartment. The owner of the apartment wasn’t interested in them anymore, and anyway they were all scrap. So I thought that I could just use two colors together and add in more colors as work progresses. Below is a photo of the bag which I currently use for keeping yarn, hook and scissors while working on another bag (originally the upper part of the two-piece bag I was hoping to make but have now decided to make into two separate bags ).

This bag is beaded too like the turtle and I implemented an improvised version of the ring-enclosure system described in the vintage purse pattern (I put six blue-and-white crocheted rings around the top rim of the bag through which the green beaded handle goes). Although I am already using it, I am not sure whether or not this bag is finished.

Hopefully, it won’t take me another 10 years to write down the patterns for these projects so I can post them on-line for anybody interested in making them. I just take so long and since the work is now becoming more and more spontaneous, it is getting harder to try and write down the patterns while working. I guess the process of review could be useful as I write down the patterns and instructions after work is finished.

Anyway, now that I am getting better with the beading, I might soon be able to make that beaded headdress that I promised a friend of mine.

A very productive day Sunday - we managed to go to the Quezon Memorial Circle again to visit our favorite AANI Herbal Garden and Livelihood Center, and to meet a friend of mine from the old BBS days. A very late lunch at Cafe Kalinga, a bit of a chat with Ven Abalos at the mushroom cultivation center, and we did finally get to see the grass-fed free range chickens and chicks, although they were already placed inside the cardboard boxes for transporting away. We also saw Desiree again at the Ala eh Cafe Amadeo, too. So it was a very pleasant afternoon.

And from Neal I got to borrow two books that will help a great deal in my work on computer programming languages - More Programming Pearls (by Jon Bentley) and Programming in Prolog (by WF Clocksin and CD Mellish). Finally, a good book on Prolog! Neal also advised me to consider Python instead of Turbo Pascal in my efforts to understand procedural languages. (See Why Pascal is not my favorite programming language by Kernighan). Well, I do have a small web tutorial for Python (by Alan Gauld).

And also finally, Trevor borrowed from Neal a copy of an old book that he’s read ages ago - Tracy Kidder’s, The Soul of the New Machine.

Goodness, so many interesting old books to read.

It is absolutely amazing how differently people thought before 1984 (the dreaded Orwellian year …), and how mushroom management* managed to overrule the world post-1984.

And now, as if aligning with the events of 9-11, there is going to be a rally at the NCCA in support of the struggle within the institution where an election scheduled Sept 11, at 11AM, will take place to put a new chairperson into the NCCA, subjecting it to full centralized government control. The situation at the NCCA for the past couple of years has been, as Peque Gallaga just described, “In total contradiction with its founding vision, the NCCA under the GMA (Gloria Macapagal Arroyo)-appointed Executive Director Cecile Guidote Alvarez is in grave danger of becoming nothing more than a huge piggybank for her ill-considered personal projects as well as a sinecure for government appointees fielded by officials and other bureaucrats of the present government.”

And come Sept 12 will be the verdict on the Erap plunder case. Because of a prior appointment, we might be right in the middle of the blockages and the demonstrations following the verdict … It will be yet another very interesting day.

* Mushroom management: Keep people in the dark, feed them shit and then chop their heads off. (At least the Sunshine chkickens at the AANI Center are fed fresh grass and are free to run about under the sun before they get their heads chopped off).

I’ve been taking down a few notes as I progress a bit in my reading of SICP. According to the book, programming language is not just a means of instructing a computer to perform tasks, but its true power is in its ability to serve as a framework within which we organize our ideas about processes, in its flexibility in handling complexity (i.e. the power to combine primitive ideas to form complex ones).

I wanted to know how how language (and not just programming languages) can serve this.

Here, I saw the comparison made between the elements of language (in programming) and John Locke’s “Acts of the Mind.” In programming, language works by (1) the mechanism of primitive expressions for representing the simplest elements of data and procedures; (2) the mechanism of combination for building compound elements from the simple ones; and (3) mechanisms of abstraction to name and manipulate compound elements as units.

The acts of the mind are threefold too: (1) combining simple ideas to form compound or complex ideas; (2) bringing ideas together to view them altogether without combining them, so as to get all its ideas of relations; and (3) separating ideas from all the accompanying ideas in their real existence through “abstraction” whereby general ideas are made.

My questions are, what is “real existence”?

And, the acts of the mind can be applied to the “computation” of ideas but can we say the same of data and procedures (as in programming) and can we say the same of feelings and emotions (or mental states)?

What I find interesting also is, studying linguistic features that support programming constructs and data structures. For example, is “prefix notation” a linguistic feature? The SICP makes a distinction between prefix notation and the pretty-printing formatting convention which aligns operands vertically to display clearly the structure of expression. What I find interesting here is that the simple act of shifting the spatial order of the expressions seem to have much impact in terms of its understandability (especially between humans and machines). While prefix notation is unambiguous to the machine and the adept computer programmer (who can read programs well), prefix notation seems to be confusing for most people. But the pretty-printing format is more readable simply because it conforms to the human conditioning of thinking about operations.

So I also wonder what the different linguistic features mean in terms of how people think and are conditioned to think.

Humans are really weird animals…

We finally made it to the university’s Friday Film Bar. I wanted to go primarily because of Heber (who performed before the film showing) and secondly for the film “Maynila sa Kuko ng Liwanag” (1975, by Lino Brocka). I’ve seen the film ages ago but I wanted Trevor to see it. Perhaps the previous Friday’s film (Manila by Night by Ishmael Bernal, 1980) would’ve been nice too which dwells on a realist’s picture of life in Manila.

Anyway, I wanted Trevor to see the “manila” films to compare with a few British films we’ve been seeing (to compare British film depictions of social structure as well as characterization in the context of a place). Recently we’ve seen “Our Mutual Friend” and David Lean’s “Great Expectations” (also by Dickens), and Gosford Park (2001), among others.

Unfortunately, the film didn’t have subtitles so, with very brief translations from me, Trevor had to figure the whole thing out by himself (he can already understand a bit of the language anyway). Actually, I had a bit of difficulty understanding what was being said because the audio was really quite bad, with environmental sounds, dialogues and background music all collapsed into one nearly inaudible texture. I thought the 70’s electro-sound effects were very interesting though.

Anyway, last night we listened to the Alternative Women’s Institute on BBC radio and I can only agree that British characterization whether in film or radio is just fantastically diverse. I figured that was what was lacking in much of Philippine cinema (even on radio); most of the characters are so stereotypical, so platonic, so representative. On radio for example, the female voices are often only distinguishable as young lady protagonist, young lady antagonist (with either a higher-pitched or lower-pitched voice than the protagonist), female children and old women. But on the BBC’s AWI, there were so many women characters and they all sounded distinctly different unique characters of their own. At the end of the programme, I would feel as if I had met a whole new bunch of people.

In local cinema, the homogeneity of sound and characters is the same. Julio and Ligaya are representative of all the probinsyanos and probinsyanas who are lured into the city of opportunity. They will appear over and over again in generations of films… There is hardly anybody new to meet and get to know in local cinema. And when art imitates life the same character depravity jumped from cinema to real life.

It is interesting how the Filipino creative (and the Filipino audience) thinks so closely in terms of representations and symbols. Although I suspect that this isn’t really just a “Filipino thing” but rather a global condition/symptom of the silenced majority within every human being. As the platonic nature of all our ideals and pains connect fundamentally very different peoples across the globe through the instrument of the symbol and representation, then there is really little need of meticulous characterization (or differentiation) between humans, is there?

Some people call this “a better world” or “a global community” and “better understanding.” However, I call it mental lethargy. But perhaps not entirely so in certain contexts wherein vague generalizations and weakly defined character sketches are the only means of telling a sensitive story without being shot. (Although I know someone who saw “Maynila…” a long time ago and remarked how he wanted to kill a Chinese afterwards).

Anyway, I likened “Maynila…” to an old neorealist Italian film we saw earlier, “The Bicycle Thief” (Ladri di biciclette directed by Vittorio de Sica, 1948). The difference is crucial of course: post-WWII depression in Italy (Europe), and the New Society under Martial Rule in the Philippines. Social realism in dekada 70 Philippines is really more a tool for opposing the regime, markedly the prototypical realist film making of offhand scenes, inaudible sound, indiscriminate lighting, low budgets and location shooting. Italian neorealism on the other hand, is really about the art of the cinema - in particular, extending cinematic language through the hand of realism.

So I was thinking about Banyuhay ni Heber’s performance before the film. It’s good that Heber is writing a column now for a daily, to help more people see the continuity between the past (particularly the 70’s) and the present time. The previous tool-makers of opposition need to see this continuity themselves too, so that the work of the panday (the blacksmith) can touch base with the work of the babaylan (shaman or priestess) and the datu: a transformation from tool /weapon to oracle (a universe of possibilities) and leadership. In other words, a transformation from reactionary to revolutionary intelligence/creativity.

Indeed, perhaps it is the absence of a logic of continuity in Philippine social, political, cultural life that accounts for the reactionary nature of much of our creative output, an absence that can be explained by the disruptive history of the country and attendant lack of self-determination. Italian neorealism’s own history includes influences from French poetic realism and especially a consequence of calligraphism, a film genre of novel adaptations - a transformation in medium from literary form to film.

But “Maynila…” is also a caligrafi film, an adaptation from the novel by Edgardo M. Reyes, but the important difference is that Edgardo M. Reyes does not work solely in the novel form but in the magazine story form as well as in screenplay and direction. It is often said that to survive in a society like the Philippines, one cannot be a specialist but should be a generalist - should be able to dance, sing, do stand-up comedy, play the guitar and in the daytime, work in an advertising agency.

I wonder if we should really put up with this.

Anyway, maybe we can contemplate a Philippine contribution to real social transformation sans continuity, surely a valuable contribution towards self-determination in our current disruptive confusing and confused world.

Announcement below about the Friday Film Bar, thanks to Ina Cosio for the information.

FRIDAY FILM BAR BEGINS AUGUST 10, 2007

AN INVITE FOR EVERYONE:Friday Film Bar is special music and film series that will be held at the Ishmael Bernal Gallery of the UP Film Institute. On Fridays of August to early October, the Ishmael Bernal Gallery will be transformed into an intimate hang-out space. There will be live performances by musicians/artists and readings by poets/writers, in between screenings of short and full-length films by local and foreign filmmakers. Friday Film Bar will also feature the best works by students of UP and, possibly, outstanding works by students of other schools and universities. Tickets, only Php80.00 each, entitles a person to a free drink (coffee or iced tea) and the free film viewing.

Ishmael Bernal Gallery is at the Cine Adarna Theater, UP Film Institute, UP Campus, Diliman, Quezon City.

For inquiries, send email to
fridayfilmbar@ gmail.com
or text 09164081550.

September 7 | 630 PM THEME:
Buhay Kolehiyo

Featured Performer: Kontra-Gapi.
Kontragapi is ntemporaryong Gamelan Pilipino composed of UP college students. Led by Professor Edru Abraham, the group has been representing the University and the country in local and international events, showcasing music, dances and chants uniquely Filipino and Kontragapi.

Featured Film: Batch ‘81
(1982)

Directed by Mike de Leon

Batch ‘81 examines the lives of seven neophytes as they strive to enter a fraternity through a difficult hazing process. The entire experience is seen through the eyes of Sid Lucero, one of the neophytes.

September 14 | 630 PM
THEME: Shaman and Babaylan

Featured Performer: Bayang Barrios. Award-winning folk/world rock singer/composer Bayang Barrios is a favorite among women’s rights advocates as well as students and young professionals.

Featured Film: Perfumed Nightmare (1977)

A film by Kidlat Tahimik

KidlatTahimik, is a Filipino filmmaker and shaman who applies his quiet strength and sharp wit to his first feature film, Mababangong Bangungot (Perfumed Nightmare). The film was the winner of the FIPRESCI Prize, Interfilm Award, and the OCIC Award at the Forum of New Cinema, 1977 Berlin International Film Festival.

September 21| 630 PM
THEME: (Con)fusions and Reconciliations

Featured Performer: Cynthia Alexander is a multi-awarded independent Filipino singer-songwriter and multi-instrumentalist. Well known and respected for her versatility and fusion of music styles, she exemplifies the music of reconciliations and peace among nations.

Featured Film: Todo Todo Teros (2006) by John Torres. This is an experimental film about an artist who wakes up one night to discover that he is a terrorist. He is sent abroad to bomb subways. The film was a winner of the Dragons and Tigers Award at the 2006 Vancouver International Film Festival.

September 28 | 630 PM
THEME: Experiencial- Experimental Night:

Pangalay sa Magpakailanman

Featured Performer: Ligaya Fernando Amilbangsa and the Alun-Alun Dance Circle. A very special night of film and dance fusion with Ligaya Fernando Amilbangsa, the moving force behind the preservation of the Sulu archipelago dance, Pangalay. Experience an awe-inspiring, flowing and meditative multi-art performance as Ligaya and her Alun-Alun Dance Circle weave in and out of Raymond Red’s Ang Magpakailanman.

Feature Films: Ang Magpakailanman (1982) and Anino (2000). Ang Magpakailanman, Raymond Red’s first short film masterpiece, was cited in the 1986 Urian Anthology as a film that should not be missed. The film, Anino, was Best Short Film winner at the Cannes International Film Festival 2000.

October 5 | 630 PM
THEME: Buhay Banda, Parang Artista

Featured Performer: The Dawn. The Dawn is a Filipino rock band, which gained popularity during the late 1980s in the Philippines. The band broke up in 1995 but reunited in late 1999.

Featured Film: Tulad ng Dati (2006) by Mike Sandejas.

Tulad ng Dati (Cinemalaya’s Best Picture) follows imaginary exploits of the Filipino rock band, The Dawn. It revolves around the character of Jett Pangan who is nearing his forties. Jett, losing his passion for music and life, entertains thoughts of retiring from the band.