Fats, Vitamins and Minerals

Up on the fortune plants, I saw this huge dragonfly this morning (photo below). It’s not as decorative as the green one that I saw a few weeks ago.

Anyway, it’s quite an unremarkable day today, rather quiet since Alwin isn’t around. I miss him already! Work is going along smoothly, though, with positive responses coming in for the organization of regional Kuro satellites. It would really be wonderful to work more closely with those in the regions! And positive contacts are coming not from the arts circuit but rather from the opensource and IT community. I think this is very good since I am implementing my own principles of equilibrium outside institutionalized arts frameworks. I hope that it is indeed going to be possible to imagine safe spaces outside of current taxonomical universes!

Out in the garden, the buds are going along pretty well. I try to contain my impatience seeing how they turn out. Now I have a bit of headache after staying out too long under the sun, but this should go away soon.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life fighting for what I believe in by conjuring a negative space. What I believe in do not need to be defended, it just needs to be made whole, made real in the life that I live.

-Fatima Lasay, May 8, 2004

Early morning I got woken up by Alwin trying to steal Edward! And Alwin’s supposed to be sick and in bed! Then I got woken up again by a long-distance phone call from Eric! Thank goodness he wasn’t trying to steal Edward too!

Anyway, the site was down for a couple of hours today, first I thought due to another permissions problem, but it turns out it was because of a MySQL upgrade. Everything’s back to normal now. My webhost is actually pretty good, answering support queries very quicly and running everything pretty efficiently.

As for now I got woken up after a good 4 hours sleep. I slept rather early around 8:30PM, and I realized it was easier to fall asleep with just the TV on at very low volume - of course, tuned into my favorite religious program! Then I think the TV automotically shuts down after about a minute of the station signing off (when there’s no signal).

I guess now’s the perfect time to continue some work. Been trying to finish a draft proposal for a “Philippine digital art festival” and we’ll be discussing this early morning today. I hope everything goes well today! But before that - some food first!

It is our life that is ultimately our work as artists. I was stuggling with my work when I was doing it all here in the Philippines - perhaps because here my whole life is also lived in an aggressive and competitive struggle. But how was it possible that in only two months in Sierre, the struggle transformed into a relaxing, worthwhile and enjoyable working process? Had I stayed longer, I could make a thousand little boats with those grape branches! I hope I can hold on to this simple pleasure back here, and I hope that you reach that starting line and never feel the need to struggle so much anymore.

-Fatima Lasay, May 9, 2004

Yesterday, I remember, I dreamt that I was outside and asked for directions and had to walk through an underpass. But the underpass was flooded with water as it has been raining very hard. The current was really quite strong but I saw an elderly woman walk towards the water anyway and the water level was way over her. I didn’t see her after that and thought that perhaps she drowned or got carried off by the current. What a strange dream. It is also not nice if I dream of water, especially a lot of water since it is usually followed by an earthquake within two weeks! I hope this isn’t true anymore …

Still feeling so lazy! Anyway, things were definitely much better later today, having received a response from CAP (Concerned Artists of the Philippines) which Jun Verzola kindly suggested I contact (and I feel like kicking myself for forgetting CAP of all organizations!) The goodness of this is the feeling that there are people out there working constructively towards making life better for those around them. On the Plaridel list, I was really amazed (and inspired) by Jun’s optimistic view despite the numerous instances wherein he saw how difficult it was for most people to understand things outside of their practical uses.

Atty. Bong Dizon, Atty. Jimmy Soriano’s and CC-PH’s support for a KURO satellite on IPRs and creative practices also gave that much needed high for the day. And I even got a reply back from Kapatid na Michael of Ang Tamang Daan! So funny!

Yes, but I still think (at least for me) that things could have been more beautiful, simply because I suppose if things in Sierre had started properly then I could’ve been much happier during the first month of my stay. But I have no regrets, as my happiness has simply been delayed.

-Fatima Lasay, May 9, 2004

What mix of emotions going back on old correspondences and notes. The dangers to be endured were quite clear yet I pushed through with the venture towards a “new life” because of extreme positivism and trust. I also miscalculated my strength, underestimated my weakness. New obstacles also appeared. But depression is an “honest signal”, no doubt that I had reached the breaking point in trying to do everything possible to save a relationship. Giving up to save myself is the most difficult, giving up on anything is always difficult. But I must remember that I have not given up on myself.

I think we could make available for ourselves some choices - not only to try to be positive or to protect or defend ourselves by being negative. There must be other ways… I don’t know (either) how long I could bear a consistently negative environment …

-Fatima Lasay, May 9, 2004

I don’t want to have to change for the worse even if it was to survive. If it is possible to wait until the hostility goes away then I will wait; if it is possible to move away from the hostility then I will move. This is probably why I extended my stay in Sierre and why I decided to go to the monastery. I don’t really know how I would’ve survived if it was impossible to do either.

-Fatima Lasay, May 9, 2004